Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
You Might Also Like
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
then why did i get this email
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.