Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
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Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]