There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.