Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
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if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant