My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
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it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster