Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
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god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Yes my dude
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up