Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
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Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Note to self: I am a note
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa