People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
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I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.