Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
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Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
went fishing caught a bass
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Wait a minute