My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
those birds must be on payroll
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese