Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
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*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.