Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
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you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?