one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.