Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
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– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Nothing to do, you say?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!