[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
You Might Also Like
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.