*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
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Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I think I’ll stand
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I said we supposed to be saving our money.