“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
You Might Also Like
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving