my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
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It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Word!
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”