Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
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Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.