I’m calling the cops.
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.