1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
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Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast