If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
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gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.