Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I finally found a reason to live again.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Strange
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Ah..makes sense now
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
We got caught Brian, just act normal..