[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning