When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
You Might Also Like
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe