Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
You Might Also Like
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁