One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
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[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
i dont have time for this
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?