*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
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If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
the composer
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
yeah 😭
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.