Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
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therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
hey, alexa
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
🙅🏻
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants