They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
You Might Also Like
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again