Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
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[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha