Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
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Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.