You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
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Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I enjoy a good short stor