Two types of dogs.
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When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.