Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
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God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.