“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
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A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
The game has officially changed 😎
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?