Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.