based al yankovic
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me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?