NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.