[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
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So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
It’s the weekend y’all
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”