Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
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I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.