me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
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Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that