Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
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Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Many hands make light work
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
👾👾👾
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.