It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
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Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.