What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
You Might Also Like
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.