I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
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What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.