A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
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Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*