I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
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This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I see your IQ test came back negative
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?