Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
You Might Also Like
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.