MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
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Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.